Lets Talk Turkey

You're in the wrong place ...

2007-02-20T13:11:00.000+02:00

Check out loughriedoeseurope.blogspot.com for the latest in my European adventures.

I am in an undisclosed secure location ...

2007-02-16T15:21:00.000+02:00

Actually, I'm in London. (Just thought I would give a shout-out to post 9/11 Dick Cheney.)

It's been so fabulous here.

Yesterday, Thursday, I dedicated the day to doing something I haven't done in a long time. Eating pork.

Living in Turkey, there is no swine my favorite etible animal. So I've been loading up here. Traditional English Breakfast that comes with bacon AND sausage, eating pork chow mein and today having a bacon and cheese pastie (bacon and cheese served in a turnover basically. So delicious.)

And of course, I've been savoring the ales here. The beer in Turkey is such shit compared to a proper British ale.

It's 2 here and since I haven't done much since I arrived Wednesday night other than get pissed with my new Irish friend Leo (he's like the Irish Uncle Joe, for anyone who knows my Uncle. Both of them are great guys.)

Well, I'm off to do something free (either the British Museum or the British Library. Haven't decided yet.)

Cheers and I'll post more later.

James

P.S. I am sending this e-mail from London because I left Turkey. Probably should have put that higher. I've taken a job in Korea teaching English for about four times the money I made in Turkey. I'll be on holiday in Europe for another 12 days then it's off to Korea where I will eat dog and call everyone "You People." (Wait, I already do the latter.)

For the next few days, check out loughriedoeseurope.blogspot.com, but also keep checking LoughriedoesTurkey.blogspot.com, as I will keep posting great stories and wacky adventures from Turkey.

We don't have a waffle maker ...

2007-02-06T17:58:00.000+02:00

But unlike Rex Grossman in the fourth quarter, I found a way to make things happen.

It was all part of the Turkish Super Pazartesi (Monday) Celebration that took place at my apartment Monday morning.

Though the game was on at 1:30 a.m. I told my room mate Maweja, who is from Chicago, that I would make Chicken and Waffles for the game, a delicacy he never tried before.

We divided up the shopping, I took care of making the fried chicken and gravy and I had him go out to get some waffles.

There are two places we know of in Izmit to get waffles, so we figured this shouldn't be hard.

But as I was chopping mushrooms for the gravy, the phone rang.

It was Maweja. One of the places didn't have waffles on Sunday. The other wouldn't do take out orders.

What the FUCK! Come on Turkey. I've asked you for almost nothing westernized since I got here, but I needed some waffles.

I quickly collected my thoughts and told him, "Don't worry about it. I've got flour and eggs here, I'll make the waffles."

"We don't have a waffle maker," Maweja replied.

While it was true, I was not going to let the spirit of the waffles be compromised. This was about more than that. It was bad enough I made pork free pigs in a blanket for pre-game appetizers, I was not about to have my Chicken and Waffles foiled. Especially to a Chicken and Waffles virgin.

I told him I would think of something, which was just a line to buy me some time. But it worked. I thought of something.

Pancake Waffles.

The delicious taste of waffles, served in the shape and texture of a pancake.

So now we were having Chicken and Waffle Pancakes, which doesn't sound the same, but to hell with it. We were watching the Superbowl.

This may not look delcious, but the Mushroom Gravy was awesome.

So how did they turn out?

But don't ask me, ask Maweja, who said, "I was pleasantly surprised by truly how wonderful it was. (It was) Some of the best gravy I ever had."

I did not make this quote up. If I did, there would have been some comment about midgets, sheep or bums fighting each other. (My favorite topics).

The Internet was the greatest invention ever for me Sunday, because it was not only where I got my recipes for Fried Chicken, Waffles and Gravy, but it was also how Maweja and I watched the game.

This little baby has brought me closer to America, especially for important games like the Super Bowl.

Yeah, it's been a while ...

2007-02-01T23:20:00.000+02:00

I haven't written for a while.

Please don't assume I've been stolen by gypsies. I would have posted pictures about that.

The last two weeks have been both wonderful, horrible and all around stressful. I'll refrain from too many details, but know there are more wacky adventures to come.

However, there were some problems at work last week and two very bad days. The problems are solved now, but as I was experiencing them I realized something.

I didn't expect everyday to be wonderful here in Turkey. Days can't all be good, it's just a fact of life.

But I'll take ten bad days in America for one bad day here. (Come to think of it that's about the ratio I have for my former and current job)

The language is one thing that amplifies a bad day. This might sound stupid, but you really have no appreciation for how easy your life is until you live in a country where you don't speak the language.

My Turkish gets better every day, but it's still not nearly enough to be fluent. You people (in America and any others reading from countries where they were born) know the language, you know how to communicate and you know how the customs.

It's a humbling experience to step outside of that and try to take on another tongue. It's also more humbling to ask one of your Turkish friends to come with you to do simple tasks like go to the post office, buy something or get directions to the bus stop.

There are moments like last week, when the stress meter is high and I just want to wake up in America.

But fortunately the vast majority of my days here, (I'd guess 95%) are days like today, when I want nothing more than to meet a Turkish person and eat kebab (that shit is so good. I swear they put crack in it).

That's when I pity you people. Because there's just not a decent kebab place in America.

***

Get ready for the big game at my place.

If anyone is in the greater Izmit area Sunday, (actually Monday morning at 3 a.m.) Maweja and I will be up watching the Super Bowl. It will be the most American thing I've done since I've been here. Well that and using the term "Hurriyet Patates" which is Turkish for "Freedom Fries."

I'm preparing Swine in a Blanket (except made with beef sausages because I can't find any pork around here), Hurriyet Patates and, drumroll please, Chicken and Waffles.

A Turkish hunt ....

2007-01-21T20:18:00.000+02:00

Today was great. Exhausting, but great.

I woke at 5 a.m. to go hunting with one of the students from my school. I was excited about this for last few days, because it's been a long time since I killed anything.

Our prey was birds and that was a personal joy for me.

Emre, the student who invited me, picked me up and we went off to the woods looking for birds. There was one little problem I realized when I got out there.

I didn't know what particular type of bird we were hunting. Some of you may know I am familiar with hunting California Quail, a delicious bird that's also a pleasure to kill.

When we got to the woods, I asked Emre what kind of birds we were looking for, except he didn't know the bird names in English and I didn't know them in Turkish.

No problem, I adopted the shoot at any reasonable sized bird within range approach. I was determined to kill a bird today for two reasons: 1) I wanted to kill something. 2) I fucking hate birds.

They are a nuisance and parasite on the food chain. They are disease carrying rodents with wings that should all be killed. The only good bird is a dead one.

Unfortunately, my vengeance on birds would not be fulfilled. After trudging through the mud, up hills and across rivers for several hours, there were just no birds to have. Our party of five hunters managed one kill.

It was great holding a gun again and being outdoors though. It brought back memories from hunting with my father and grandfather as a child. For anyone who attempted such a feat, and all should because killing animals is almost better than eating them, there are some things that can only be experienced in the "cheap showiness of nature."

It had been so long since I was in the outdoors, that I forgot how quiet it is out there. You can hear anything between shotgun blasts. A bird's single chirp, a squirrel stepping on a tree branch (if I would have seen a squirrel I would have killed it.) It's quite an amazing experience.

Walking through the natural outdoors of Turkey I also fantasized.

I thought how great it would be to walk through Izmit, the town I live in, with the same shotgun and pocket full of shells.

I would walk to school like I do everyday, but I would make a special stop.

At the taxi stand.

There I would have an unending supply of pigeons to kill.
(You thought I was going to write something about killing people, didn't you.)

Birds are bad and pigeons are the lowest of the creatures. Every day, I walk to school and pass one of the biggest collections of pigeons I've ever seen gathering eating the bread crumbs some dumbass throws at them.

These pigeons congregate day and night at the taxi stand. It normally wouldn't bother me except I have to walk by there to get to school.

They fly around the buildings, shitting on anything below. They are a nuisance and a cancer on Izmit, but no one seems to have the gall to walk out there and kill them. Maybe I should. If its against the law, which I assume it is, I will just tell them, "I didn't know. We do this all the time in my country."

Forget it. That excuse only works in America.

Bootlegs - more than just a funny word ...

2007-01-15T01:36:00.000+02:00

It's awards season in Los Angeles and though I used to live 60 miles north of it, I am proud to say that this year, I've seen more Golden Globe nominated films than I ever did when lived an hour away or for three years in Los Angeles.

How? Piracy.

Almost every DVD and pesky little creatures called VCD's in Turkey are copies.

The quality is good and the price is cheap (4 lira or $2.79 for a DVD.) What really amazed me when I moved here was the way its done. When you visit a "DVD" store, it's all copies of DVDs. Even on the streets, vendors sell copies of VCDs and DVDs all over.

VCDs are more popular and are movies burned onto a regular compact disc rather than a DVD. They are also cheaper (2 Lira or $1.39 for a VCD) but most of them are dubbed in Turkish so I just avoid asking for them and stick with DVDs.

I'm also amazed at the speed they are available. When films are still in the United States theatres they are available here on bootleg DVDs.

The more amazing part for me was that piracy is illegal here in Turkey. I have a three students who are lawyers and I've asked them all if it is illegal for people to sell DVDs on the street. All of them said "No" and some had entertaining answers.

One of them said the police, who routinely walk by the DVD vendors, don't care about this - they're worried about bigger crimes and problems.

Another one said no one in Turkey cares because "The United States is a rich country and the people here are poor."

Either way, I've seen four of the five films up for best drama in the Golden Globes and I've seen three of the comedies.

(My picks to win are Babel and Little Miss Sunshine, but if I could pick the winners they would be the Departed and Borat, although I loved Thank you for Smoking and Little Miss Sunshine also.)

When I purchased Babel, though, there was a downside. The film relies heavily on subtitles and I was downright lost in some of the scenes. Even without dialogue I still don't think it's that good and is over-hyped much like the Aviator was two years ago.

Watch, it may take plenty of Globes, but Oscar will straighten it out.

But back to the subject at hand. watching the DVDs directly at home is so much better than the theatre. Rather than going to the movies, where I would spend at least 7 lira for entrance and have to see or talk to other people - I can just spend 4 lira and tune out the world around me.

It's a beautiful thing.

What a way to ring in the new year ...

2007-01-09T18:37:00.000+02:00

So my roommate Maweja and I went to the wine bar we frequent here in town.

It was New Years Eve and the place was great. Packed with really cool people and it was a festive atmosphere. Plus, there were cheesy party hats that I cannot resist.

That night was something special, because they had live music. But the accordion player, guitarist and drummer weren't so special. What made the live music better was that Usuf, the bar owner, asked me to get up and sing some Frank Sinatra.

I've done much karaoke in my lifetime, but this was so superior. With live music behind me I belted out "My Way" and "Strangers in the Night." The crowd was great too. They cheered me on as I got up there and when I said, "Multu Yillar" which means Happy New Year in Turkish, they cheered even louder.

I haven't done karaoke since I've been to Turkey but I don't know if I ever will be able to do it again. Live music is the only way to go.

uch, iki, bir, multu yillar

2007-01-01T14:14:00.000+02:00

And so the count down went and it was a happy new year in Turkey. (I'll post more on my New Years Night at the wine bar later this week.)

As you could tell I took a week off from writing for several reasons. One of them is I am working on adding a new feature to Loughriedoesturkey that I hope to unveil this month.

But I did want to use the changing of the calendar to reflect on my experience here in Turkey, what I've learned and how wrong so many people in America are about this country and the world for that matter.

Sorry to get Amicoesque, but this is going to be a long blog entry.

When I told people I was moving to Turkey, I got a lot of mixed reactions. Many people were excited for me taking on this opportunity. I noticed that almost everyone who had been to Turkey in the past told me what a great country it was and how jealous they were that I was moving here.

But there were a few, whose names I will not mention, who tried to "warn" me. Those people, I can now confirm, are totally ignorant of the world.

I had one person ask me if I had ever been to the Middle East before and in a long-winded sit down talk, this person tried to relay their own "expertise" in the region.

I even had another person who is a self-described traveller tell me about how dangerous Turkey is, especially outside of Istanbul. I did not then, nor do I now, respect this woman, but since being here I wondered how one could make such a statement that was and is wrong on all levels.

The condescending one-sided talk concluded with me realizing how little people know about Turkey.

Here's what I've learned and what I can share with you since I have been in Turkey.

-Turkey is not the Middle East. Nor is it European. Nor is it Mediterranean. It's Turkey. It really has its own identity and culture. Their religion comes from the Middle East, their cuisine is heavily Mediterranean and their beliefs are a mixture of the three regions. It is its own culture that should not be labelled, especially by people who have not been here or read about the country in any detail.

-Turkish people are extremely kind. They have a Mediterranean sense of hospitality. When you are a guest in their country they are especially nice to you. One of my students explained it was a term "Mese Perve" which means on behalf of the state and people.

-Turkey is safer than America. I feel safe walking down the street at any time of the night. I have never encountered anything close to a situation which would compromise my safety. Turkey, and especially Izmit where I live, is safer than any American city I've lived in.

- Almost everyone here is Muslim, but they are far more tolerant of individual religious practices than many Christians I've met. I think this is a uniquely Turkish aspect, because there is a strong demand for the country to remain a secular one. Church and state are better separated here than in America. I've met a lot of people who are religious but never talk about their religion unless asked. I've met more people who are not religious, do not practise Islam everyday but carry the beliefs with them as part of their life. Religion here is a part of life but not necessarily a way of life.

-"You people" is not an insult. Americans have become so sensitive and politically correct that they think everyone else in the world drank that awful bland kool aid. So many people made jokes about how I would offend Turkish people and it hasn't happened yet. (Well except for a cab driver I told to fuck off in Turkish, but that would happen in America too.) The Turks view the world with a refreshing honesty and do not constantly second guess themselves like Americans who have come under control of politically correct Nazis.

-Women have as many freedoms here as a woman in the United States. I know that might shock some of you, but its true. Women own businesses, are politicians and one has even been Prime Minister (even though she was a disaster, according to my Turkish friends and students.) Some women from back home were upset to hear about the men only Tea Houses they have here - but I'll counter the Turkish men only Tea Houses with women's fitness centers in America that a man cannot go into. Or Ladies night at a bar when women get in free and men have to pay a cover charge.

-Turkey is not a third world country. I've heard this a lot from Americans, but look. We have DSL Internet, satellite television and cell phones everywhere. Technology that's not available in most third world countries.

-Turks do not hate America or Americans. Many of them want to live there. They love Americans, they just hate the American Government, to which I tell them, "so do many Americans."

Looking back on this I am so glad I came here. Getting on that plane was one of the best things I have ever done, because it gave me the opportunity to experience an entirely new culture and meet some great people. Plus there are the wacky adventures, which I hope to have a lot more of in 2007.

Happy New Year to you all with best wishes for 2007.

James

A Turkish shave ...

2006-12-21T10:36:00.000+02:00

This one's for the men, but the ladies in the viewing audience are welcome to continue reading. (It's PG, I swear.)

A few weeks ago I went a barber shop for a hair cut.

Towards the end of the hair cut, which was a good one I must say, the man asked me if I wanted a tashir, which means shave in Turkish.

A shave. And not any kind of electric razor, but a good old fashioned open blade shave.

The moment the barber started applying the warm foam with a soft brush, I was in heaven. It was an instantly gratifying experience only to be had in Turkey.

I know some American barber shops still do this - but they are rare. In America the barber shops that give a shave are the kind you talk about with your friends.

Women in America may not know this, but when a man, and of course this is what separates the men from the boys, finds this kind of barber shop in the states, they tell their friends.

"Hey, I found a place that does an old fashioned shave."

I feel sorry for any man that hasn't had this experience. It's worth finding.

It begins with the barber taking a soft brush into a cup that contains shaving soap and lathering that soap onto your face. The soap is warm and feels good as he brushes it into your facial stubs and hair.

Then comes the razor. The closest, best shave a man will ever have comes from an open razor.

The Turkish barbers who do this are artists. They move the razor with the grain of each part of a mans face. They know the delicate balance between a close shave and razor burn. Each time shave a man they straddle this fine line, but almost never give into the red skin that comes from shaving too hard.

When the shave is over, they remove the remaining suds with a warm towel.

When the process is complete, it is almost like I've been reborn. I honestly feel like a new, improved James at the end of a shave.

Following the shave, a Turkish tradition, we drink tea and smoke cigarettes.

A real barber shop. A place where men can be men and women don't dare step foot.

America needs more of these. If anything, it would help a country of men to reclaim their masculinity - all while looking and feeling like a million bucks.

That's the week the water went out in Izmit ...

2006-12-16T21:44:00.000+02:00

The water's been out off an on this week.

It's made for some interesting mornings.

Here in the Kocaeli region, and Izmit where I live, there is a shortage of water in the reservoir - or so I'm told. Anything concrete about the water shortage is in Turkish, therefore, difficult for me to understand.

So for the time being, which could be for the rest of December from what I've heard, the water is off in irregular intervals. The definite time we are supposed to have water is Midnight to 8 a.m.

The worst mornings are the ones when we forget to prefill our kettle the night before with water.

Imagine this people: You wake up, try to splash some cold water on your face - and none is there. You turn the faucet handle and nothing comes out.

So you head to the kitchen to turn on the kettle, but there's no water in it. Damn. Forgetting about the lack of bathroom water, you head to the sink and turn the handle. Nothing comes out. Oh yeah, there's no water.

The water shortage only affects houses and not businesses, so I brush my teeth and comb my hair at school.

Even though I walk out of my apartment feeling kind of gross, there's about 1,000,000 people in my region who are in the same waterless boat. It's quite common to see people with messed up hair or without a shave in the past few days. The city has kind of banded together in a filthy solidarity. Most of my students look less unkempt than previous weeks and we joke about not having water.

"Su yok?" Which means, "No water?"

Surprisingly, the worst part about the water isn't the absence of regular showers or morning tea. It's the irregularity of having water. Some mornings its on. Most mornings its not. We're supposed to be guaranteed water Midnight through 8 p.m., but that's not always the case. For the last two night we didn't have water. At least not while I was awake.
We never know when we are going to have water until we turn the handles.

The water's on right now (Saturday, 10:15 p.m. local time) and I'm going to take a shower for the first time in three days.

An open letter to Santa Claus ...

2006-12-12T23:27:00.000+02:00

On Friday, I taught a class of 10- to 12-year-olds what Santa Claus was and how Americans celebrate Christmas. The bulk of the lesson focused on decorating the tree, a pointless exercise that had no value for learning English. It did pass the time nicely, however.

But it didn't pass all of the time.

I had the class for one hour and 45 minutes and the Christmas Tree only took up one hour and 30 minutes. Damn!

I needed something to run out the clock. It was the fourth quarter and I wasn't able to take a knee yet (ask the students what they're doing this weekend, kills five minutes easily.)

So I had the kids imagine they lived in America and told them to write to Santa. Tell him if they've been good and what they want.

As the students wrote, I decided I would pen my own letter to Santa.

Here it is:

Dear Santa,

I don't believe in you and you don't believe in me, but I need to kill time too.

So have I been good? Well, I haven't been evil.
I could have pulled a lot of shit this year Santa.
There were countless times I could have killed someone, but never acted on the impulse or desire.

Therefore, I was good. After all, if you're going to be an asshole and make good and bad a black and white issue, I'll play.

So what do I want?

There's a lot of things I could ask for, but I don't really want much. Just one thing.

A midget.

Oh Santa, if you could spare just one of your Elves to become my personal valet, I would be forever grateful.

There would be nothing perverted, either. It would strictly be your elf walking with me wherever I go, dancing for my amusement and fighting children at parks. Also I would insist the elf smokes a cigar. Cigar smoking midgets are the best.

So Santa, what do you say? If you do this, I will dedicate my life to doing good deeds, rather than expanding the list of countries I've vomited in (four so far and growing).

Best wishes and a Happy Festivus, from one fat ass to another,

James

Just when I thought there would be no Christmas ...

2006-12-09T19:46:00.000+02:00

Many of you may know I hate the holidays.

I just don't care for all the commercialized appeal of Christmas, though I admire the companies that make a point to not mention the word and opt for "Happy Holidays."

I don't like the crowds everywhere you go, hate the fact that governments shut down for 14 days for a damned "holiday season" and the whole United States seems to stop dead in its tracks because, "it's Christmas."

I hate the fact that all the regular TV shows I would want to watch are postponed so crappy Christmas specials can be shown, with the exception of a Bing Crosby taking a break from beating one of his children to sing "Little Drummer Boy" with David Bowie.

So I've been relatively happy living in a Muslim country this year where people don't even know what Christmas means.

It's been nice walking down the street unpolluted with decorations that have been up since October about special "Holiday Bargains."

It's been nice not hearing the Christian Evangelicals piss and moan because stores choose to not celebrate their religious holiday, opting for a secular version that people used to enjoy, as they call for boycotts.

And it's been nice not having to get up on a ladder and deal with heights that frighten me every other day of the year to put up lights. (Sorry Mom, but you know I hate doing that.)

The only thing I miss is the food and an excuse to wear a cheesy sweater (which we really should stop making Christmas an excuse for. But my proposed "Bill Cosby Day" has yet to be taken seriously by any member of Congress, so Christmas will have to do.)

But then I opened the circular advertisement for Migros, a large chain of stores here in Turkey, to see fucking Christmas decorations.

"What the hell are these doing here?" I angrily asked my school's principal.

She explained those decorations, such as a tree with ornaments and lights, pictures of Santa Claus and shit like bells and tinsel, are for New Years.

Many of you may know, years ago, I gave up celebrating Christmas and took to the holiday of Festivus. I haven't looked back.

But I thought I would miss Christmas entirely here in a secular Muslim country. What the hell?

Besides, New Years is all about booze, Auld Lang Syne and Dick Clark, may he rest in peace. (He's dead right?)

(Informal prediction: More than 60 percent of you reading this do not know without the use of Google whether Dick Clark is still alive.)

I feel like standing in the middle of the town center and shouting, "This wasn't part of the deal."

But there I was teaching a class full of 10-12 year olds Friday afternoon and needing something that could grab their attention. Any subject, as long as we're speaking English, and preferably using large numbers, colors and country names they've learned about in the last few weeks.

Fine. We'll learn about Christmas.

Since their vocabulary is somewhat limited and I refuse to speak Turkish in class, I left out the whole message about Jesus' Birth, which any Discovery, National Geographic or History Channel documentary will tell you really happened somewhere around March to June.

We talked briefly about Santa Claus, then I drew a ghetto Holiday Tree (take that Religious Right) on the board and had students make ornaments they placed on there.

The lesson wasn't all that educational, but it killed an hour and a half.

Christmas had turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The instant anger I felt looking at the shopping advertisement was gone, and I realized the true meaning of Christmas.

Exploiting it for whatever you want.

Happy Festivus,

James

P.S. In the next issue of LoughrieDoesTurkey, an open letter to Santa Claus.

Dance Monkeys, Dance!

2006-12-06T00:00:00.000+02:00

Today was picture day at my school.

Now don't go getting these nostalgic images of grade school pictures in your head. We have picture days a few times a year and they almost always involve the "native" speakers.

That's me and two other teachers who use English as their, "Native" Language.

I've been here over three months but anytime I hear native I still think one of two things. 1) The Turkish people who teach English at the school, who are more native to this land than I. And 2) Gilligan's Island references about the Native headhunters.

For the school, however, having native English speakers is viewed as "marketing" so they like us to be around and speak English and even like to parade us around.

Today was one of the days each year when they took pictures of Maweja, my Illinois-Native roommate, and I teaching students. We weren't actually teaching, but acting like we were teaching a group of students who were acting like they were interested in what we had to say.

I was every bit the white version of Sidney Poitier in Blackboard Jungle as I stood in front of the camera and pointed to words on a page. (I'd call myself Mr. Chips, but would anybody get that?)

As we stood there posing for pictures, I remarked to Maweja that we are like monkeys at the zoo. "Look, he has blue eyes."
"Look, he has tattoos."

I don't have a problem with that, it's actually fun on some days. There's a bit of celebrity status that comes in my town with being an American and teaching English. People smile and say, "Very Nice," like it means something special to any of us.

Suckers.

I want a word ...

2006-11-29T22:12:00.000+02:00

Tonight's class was my advanced students and the classroom format is fun.

We have no text book and the curriculum is articles I select each week based on current events. We read them together, learn new words and then discuss the events.

One week we read about the United States elections and the very next about the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding.

The following lesson we discussed Cruise's religion, Scientology, which was great because I taught the expressions, "Con Artist" for Scientology founder and humanitarian L. Ron Hubbard, as well as the word "hogwash."

Tonight, we talked about every body's favorite former member of the Hitler Youth, Pope Benedict XVI, and his visit to Turkey. (Rumor has it that the Pope asked to stop at an elementary school and the prime minister told him no.)

One of my students asked about the word "Papal" and what it meant. I explained "the word Papal means anything to do with the pope. If the Pope visits somewhere it's a Papal Visit. If the Pope meets with people it's a Papal Meeting. If the Pope sits in a chair, it becomes the Papal Chair."

Then it struck me. The Pope has his own freaking word. Not just Pope, but Papal. That is so cool. Just think about power for a second and how much of it comes with having your own word.

And not just a word, but a word describing anything you do.

I want a word. That is my new mission for life. To acquire the fame, power and Martyrs blood for my own word.

Here's where you come in dear readers. What should my word be? Loughriesque is OK, but then anyone with the surname Loughrie gets a piece of it. And I want the word all to myself.

Help me coin a word for myself, something that will go down in the pages of history as a word describing anything I do. But don't come up with your own word, because if everyone has their own word, my mission is pointless.

yes, Yes, OH YES

2006-11-26T06:08:00.000+02:00

The mighty Trojans conquer the Irish, who must have been hitting the whiskey the night before and the morning of the game.

It's 6:10 a.m. here in Turkey and I've been up listening to the game via the internet with the Trojans up 37-17 in the fourth quarter with seven minutes to go. Thank God for the internet.

One more game to go and if the Trojans can handle the Bruins, which they should be able to, it's on to the Tostitos BCS National Championship Game.

Now the real challenge: who the hell can I talk to in Turkey that knows about USC, the Tostitos BCS National Championship Game or even college football (not that Goddamned waste of a sport soccer).

Yes, they have Turkeys in Turkey ...

2006-11-23T23:22:00.000+02:00

After receiving the fourth one of these questions today via e-mail, I figured I would let everyone know.
Except they obviously don't celebrate Thanksgiving and they don't call the bird Turkey.
They call it Hindi, which I assume is a crack at the Indians, (dots, not feathers, but feel free to make fun of those Indians too, I know I do).

But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am going to get drunk and start berating all of you over the Internet, since I cannot be with my family this year.

Just Kidding.

Actually, I am going to cook the best possible Thanksgiving dinner I can this weekend for a few other teachers and friends. I'm making Turkey, but not a whole one, because they don't sell the whole ones here.

Instead, I'm buying some Turkey breasts and legs at the store, then cooking a few side dishes. A big thank you to Sefton for getting me recipes so quickly. Sefton's people come from the south and a few years ago, I sampled some of "those people's" cuisine. It was fantastic. I never thought oysters were a Thanksgiving food until I ate at his place.

So in closing, what am I thankful for?
Being in a country with a cheap supply of tobacco that lets me smoke where ever I want.
And Midgets. I'm always thankful for midgets.

Vindication, sort of ...

2006-11-21T19:20:00.000+02:00

Yahoo! Sports published a fantastic investigation this week showing officials blew at least two critical calls in the 2006 Rose Bowl National Championship Game presented by Citi.

"The biggest fumble in last season's epic national championship game between Texas and Southern California didn't occur on the field. It happened in the instant replay booth," Yahoo! Sports Josh Peter wrote.

"The error at the Rose Bowl was not mechanical, as the supervisor of officials told ABC broadcaster Keith Jackson. It was a human blunder, one that might have impacted the outcome of Texas' 41-38 victory, a game decided in the final seconds."

Check out the rest of the article and two others. Rush to Judgement

Which leads my to today's word: I knew it. OK, that's three words, but I still feel a sense of vindication because I knew there was shennanagins afoot.

However, it does little good to point out the shennanagins now seeing as how the game is over and has been over for 10 months.

A BIG wag of the finger to The Big Ten for stealing a National Championship from the Trojans.

So how do we obtain sweet justice for January's crime against humanity? A two-point plan that starts with Trojans winning out this season, and going to the 2007 Tostitos BCS National Championship Game.

The second part of my plan is burning down every Big-Ten University so they get the picture not to fuck up another team's mojo. The second part will also include making 1970 Kent State look like MTV's Spring Break in Cabo.

What does everyone think? Who's with me?

***

On a separate note, football season hasn't been the same this year. Every Saturday I don Cardinal and Gold and root for the old Alma Mater, but since there's no one else around me who knows there's a football other than that Gay sport soccer, it's not the same.

There's a good side to that as I didn't want to cry or kill anything when SC lost to Oregon State.

This weekend, however, I will be back in my obsessed gameday mode listening to the big game, USC versus Notre Dame, over the internet at 3:30 a.m., Sunday, my local time for the game.

I will fry up some snacks and of courses, have plenty of ice cold beer ready as the Trojans hopefully rout the Fighting Irish. Hopefully it will be Bloody Sunday Part II.

Day three, Part I - Wow, did Jesus come here?

2006-11-17T05:21:00.000+02:00

October 22, 2006
Bergama, Turkey - For the Bible literate out there (which I now consider myself after a Google Search) you might have heard about the Church of Pergamon (which is also spelled Pergamum).

The Church of Pergamon was listed as one of the seven churches in the book of Revelation, the book at the end when everything catches fire. Apparantly, when the world ends Pergamon will have to send a letter or something.

I think there's also a verse about how the Devil lives there. I'm not sure if the bible predicted my visit, but it was the most impressive site of the tour.

Pergamon was one of the Ancient Kingdoms of the Greek Empire and a very influential part of the Hellenistic period. The sites that remain there are the Acroplis (which consists of an upper and lower city built on a mountain) and the Asklepion.

The first stop for Sunday, October 22, was the Acropolis.

The site was magnificent. The outsides of buildings remain intact as lines of columns. The amphitheatre there is estimated to be the tallest in the Ancient Greek world. It seats 10,000 normal size people, 7,000 fat people and 20,000 midgets.

I've been scouring the Internet for dimensions on this thing, especially the incline, but I can't find one. Help me out on this one. Google Pergamon and amphitheatre and get back to me.

This is the amphitheatre, with the modern day city of Bergama in the background.

I had a photo from the top of the mountain (above) and I had one from sitting in the top right corner of the theatre, but I wanted to see if I could get a good photo from the bottom to the top, really showing how big this damn thing was.

So as my tour group had 15 minutes of free time before we headed to the bus, I jolted down the theatre steps to get the shot. Getting down was a breeze and I complimented myself on how quickly I negotiated the steep steps.

Then came the climb back up. I started with a brisk walk up the steps. I didn't want to run because I knew I needed to pace myself. My brisk walk slowed to a walk. That's OK, I thought, because the tour group will not leave without me.

Then my walk slowed to a sluggish pace. This was killing my thighs.

I began walking like a snail up the steps. I originally thought I should try and walk up the entire amphitheatre, just to say I did it.

Screw that. Just get me to the halfway point where I can exit to the right and take a nice flat trail around the hill.

I almost began crawling. "No," I said to myself, "I will remain on my two legs."

This was one of the worst inclines I've ever felt.

Eventually I made it. I made it to the half way point of this theatre and felt like the king of the world.

I took the cigarette out of my mouth I had been smoking and stomped it out on the step. I made it.

Coming up in Day Three Part II - There WAS something in the water.

When you're right 52 percent of the time ...

2006-11-12T02:41:00.002+02:00

you're wrong 48 percent of the time. I called some of them correctly and I was dead wrong in some races.

Let's take a quick look at my predictions from the Tuesday, Nov. 7 edition of LoughrieDoesTurkey:

"I think the GOP and America will say goodbye to Senators Rick Santorum in Pennsylvania, Mike DeWine in Ohio, Lincoln Chaffee in Rhode Island and Conrad Burns in Montana."

WOW!. Four-for-four. Look at that readers. 5,000 miles from Washington D.C. and I can still call the American races.

Unfortunately, I called Michael Steele winning Maryland, Jim Talent keeping Missouri and George Allen holding on for dear life in Virginia. All three of them lost, however I did call Tennessee for Corker, who replaced retiring Senate Leader Bill Frist.

Talk about timing by the way. There's nothing like leaving before people can blame you for this. Good job Fristy!

My Senate Prediction Record: 5-3, 62 Percent!

I was close in the house. Oh so close to hitting the number square on the peg. On Tuesday morning I wrote, "At the end of the day it will be Dems 226, GOP 209 in the house. A 23 seat pick up for Democrats. Not bad, but beyond what some media analysts are calling for."

Well, the Dems did even better than I thought they would, picking up 231 seats, a net victory of 28. But I was close, damn close. Maybe I should have seen the whole Mark Foley thing backfiring in Florida.
Considering constituents in his district probably have enough problems remembering where they live, I figured they wouldn't remember the whole gay e-mails to boys thing.

What an election.

Finally, a special thank you to the millions of Californians who voted yes on liberty and personal freedom, by voting no on a needless sin tax against cigarettes. By standing up for an adults decision to consume a legal product, you also made it clear that the government should stick to running a government, rather than your life.

Thank you. God Bless You and God Bless America.

Election Day Special Edition

2006-11-07T19:32:00.000+02:00

I'm taking a break from recounting my tales of the Aegean to bring you my predictions and analysis on Election day.

There is a time stamp on this post, so you know that this is being written around 7:30 p.m. Turkish time and 9:30 a.m. California time.

I'm calling the house, senate and California races.

The House
At the end of the day, Democrats will win the house and the score for seats with key victories in the Pennsylvania and Ohio seats. Increased turnout for senate candidates like Robert Casey in Pennsylvania and Sherrod Brown in Ohio coupled with low GOP turnout will make these seats available.

At the end of the day it will be Dems 226, GOP 209 in the house. A 23 seat pick up for Democrats. Not bad, but beyond what some media analysts are calling for.

Races to watch: If Republican John Doolittle loses in the California second, the Democrats will win in far greater numbers than I predict.

The Senate
The Senate's not going to be such a route, but there will be some Democrat gains. I think the GOP and America will say goodbye to Senators Rick Santorum in Pennsylvania, Mike DeWine in Ohio, Lincoln Chaffee in Rhode Island and Conrad Burns in Montana.

The Democrats are going to keep all of their seats, unless California's Diane Feinstein can hold off the juggernaut Dick Mountjoy Campaign. (Insert laughs here.)

But not all Republicans will lose, just most of them. I think Michael Steele, the Republican candidate for the open Maryland Senate seat will win given his campaign's momentum of the last two weeks.

Republicans will hold off some decent challenges in Virginia and Missouri and keep the Tennessee seat being vacated by Bill Frist.

Final Score: GOP 53, Dems 47 (Lieberman counts as a Democrat and he will win by the way.)

California

My native state, the Golden State, with it's unofficial capitol of Palmdale.

Of course Arnold's going to win, but I think John Garamendi is going to join him as Lt. Governor. Incumbent Bruce McPherson will keep his seat as the Secretary of State, while Jerry Brown, good old Governor Moonbeam, will become the Attorney General.

John Chiang will become the state's controller while Bill Lockyer will become the state treasurer (I still can't believe the Antelope Valley Press endorsed Claude Parish. I know it's a Republican paper, but this guy is nuts.)

Steve Poizner will become the state's third Insurance Commissioner, despite Cruz Bustamante's clever commercials about how he promised his family to lose 70 pounds and he promises to lower your insurance rates.

I can't get into the propositions, because I am out of touch with how much ad time has been spent on all of them. I just hope and pray the California pleasure police don't pass Prop. 86, a tobacco tax that will do nothing for Californians looking for lower health care costs. Whether you smoke or not, should one group be punished because their habit or vice is unpopular? Remember, today they go after the smokers, but tomorrow, they go after the junk food industry.

Then they go after (insert name of vice here) until everyone behaves in a manner the alleged powers that be find suitable. That's not American because when you live in a state that determines what are acceptable behaviours and what are not, it's fascism.

Day two - I can't understand a thing.

2006-11-02T16:42:00.000+02:00

Alibey, Turkey - It was technically day one of our tour, but felt like day two. After spending 9 hours on a bus to get from Istanbul to our hotel in Ayvalik, we met again at 11 a.m. to take a tour of what I was told is an island.

I think we crossed a bridge to get there. I fell asleep, so I just remember some people on the bus waking me when everyone was getting out.

But Alibey was nice.

It's a former Greek Island that was called Cunda (pronounced Junda in Turkish) and was part of a Turkish and Greek land/population swap. For those who don't know, in 1923 the governments of Greece and Turkey agreed to swap expatriate populations. The Greeks who lived on Cunda were replaced with Turks. The Turks who lived on the Greek Island of Lesbos came to Cunda.

(I assume Lesbians came from Lesbos, though I have absolutely no knowledge of it. I'm not even going to Google it. I'm just going to run with it.)

It's pretty brilliant actually when you think about it.

Imagine two government heads sitting at a table negotiating: "Look, we don't like you people and you people don't like us. Let's just swap Islands so my people and you people can be closer to their countries mainland."

As one man on the boat explained, his grandfather lived on Lesbos and was sent over to Cunda in the swap. Then he said something about how politics is a bad thing, and I didn't have the language capabilities to explain what a great idea I thought the 1923 swap was.

Anyway, the island features a Greek Orthodox Church. I wish I could tell you the historical significance of this church, but the tour was in Turkish. As a woman told a story about the church, I realized that maybe it's not the best idea to travel with a bus full of people who speak a language other than your own.

The signifigance of this church was lost on me.

There were a few other people on the tour who spoke English, but this was day one and I hadn't met them yet.

Oh well, on to the boat tour.

We took off from the Alibey peer on a boat to cruise around the existing Greek Islands. There was some nice scenery there but the best was yet to come.

The boat tour was catered with ALL YOU CAN EAT FISH.

That was some good stuff.

I don't know what kind of fish it was but I can tell it was fried in olive oil (a very common way of serving fish here.) I ate as much as I possibly could because the more I ate, the less each piece of fish costs. In fact if I didn't eat everything in sight, I would have lost money. And then the terrorists win.

So these two events make up the majority of day one. Not really eventful, but I also knew there was much more cool stuff ahead in the tour.

After dinner at the hotel I went up to my room for a quite night and some sleep. I was exhausted from the trip over and barely slept on the bus ride over. With the exception of short naps during our trip to and from Alibey I hadn't had much sleep.

I was sitting on my bed in the hotel room reading when I started hearing music. It was so loud that the noise cut through my closed window. I looked outside, about 20 yards down the hotel's back alley, where I saw the freaking Tropicana Dance Club. A fucking outdoor dance club and it's right by my Goddamn room.

Son of a bitch.

So I sat there in my room, stewing because I couldn't go to sleep, I was too damn angry to go to sleep and the only thing on in English was "Tootsie," a stupid movie if you ask me.

I had a feeling it would be a long week.

Wanna see pictures from this, and other exciting days, get over to http://picasaweb.google.com/jamesloughrie to see the photos. I seperated the pictures from one big folder to a folder for each day so it should be a little bit easier to manage.

Coming next on LoughrieDoesTurkey: Day Three - the biggest piece of crap I've ever seen. Literally.

Of all the days ...

2006-10-31T19:00:00.000+02:00

I get the one honest cab driver in Istanbul.

So it was Friday, August 20, and I had to catch a bus from Izmit to Istanbul to meet my tour bus.

Getting out of Izmit was no problem, as buses to Istanbul tend to be plentiful and leave about every 30 minutes. But navigating Istanbul was the tough part.

My school's principle wrote out what I needed to do and say in Turkish. It sounded all too simple. Once my bus arrived at the station, find a cab and have them drive me to another bus station. (There were no buses to the station where I met my tour group because, as I later found out, it's not really a bus station but a spot where the tour buses leave.)

So far, so good. I got off the bus, told the cab driver where I needed to go and we took off.

But I was waiting for the gouging.

Most foreign teachers in Izmit avoid going to Istanbul without a Turkish speaker. It's a big city, easy to get lost, and because it's such an international place, they will gouge you for every last cent you have if you don't know the language.

It's worse with the cab drivers. If you don't know Turkish, they will drive you all around town and run up the meter. I've had this happen to me in Prague, and I took a cab only twice in Paris and only once in London, where the fares seemed reasonable (Except the Paris cab drivers were assholes, but then again, so were many of the people.)

Cab drivers are one of the lowest elements in my mind, and I figured the guy who picked me up from the bus station was going to take me on a 10 Lira ride that would normally cost 5 Lira.

But then he stopped the cab. He points down the road and said something about the stop. The cab ride was only 3 Lira. Normally I'd be overjoyed about meeting an honest cab driver, because its a pretty rare event in itself.

But shit, I don't know where this place is, I don't know where I am and even worse I can't tell the cab driver that.

But because I left myself ample time to get to the Otogar (Turkish for Bus Station) I was OK. I calmed myself down and remembered this would be a way to see part of Istanbul that probably doesn't get much tourist traffic.

It was a nice enough area. The streets were clean and not too many people were out. If anything it still looked safer than half the neighborhoods in America.

Because I couldn't understand what direction the cab driver told me to walk, I had find someone who could point me in the right direction. After using my still small amounts of Turkish, I found someone on the street who could point me in the right direction.

An hour later and after directions from three other people who either couldn't speak English or couldn't speak Turkish slow enough, I found the damn bus station. If it wasn't for a kind shop keeper who walked me to the bus parking lot, I might have flagged down another cab and bent over for the proverbial gouging.

***

The bus rolled out of the parking lot around 12:45, even though the schedule said Midnight.

Though something happening 45 minutes later than schedule might annoy most people (like me), an hour late is on time in Turkey. So technically, 45 minutes is early.

But what killed me was after less than an hour on the road, we made our first rest stop. WHAT THE HELL? Give it 2 hours at least, or even one full hour, but no. Approximately 50 minutes.

Jesus H. Christ

Take off time was 12:45 a.m. and we arrived in Ayvalik, the city where our hotel was located, at 9 a.m. After that long of a journey I was ready to not step foot in a bus for another day. Except ours bus was leaving again at 11 for Saturday's tour.

In the next blog ... Saturday, October 21, Alibey and a boat tour.

I'm back ...

2006-10-27T07:47:00.000+03:00

Well, I've been back for about two days now, but after catching up on some much needed sleep, I'm posting with my gallant tales of conquering the Aegean and the Turks.

The trip was amazing and I will post a day-by-day account of what happened over the weekend. (Because really, you have nothing better to do than read about the two times I as lost in Istanbul, went swimming in the Aegean and got freaked out because I thought a stingray was going to get me for making fun of Steve Irwin and the Goddamn nightclub that was so conveniently located next to my hotel room making it impossible for me to sleep before 2 a.m.

It was a group trip through ancient sites near the northwest portion of the Aegean sea. The tour was in Turkish (meh!) but fortunately, there were enough kind English speakers in the group to translate for me when needed.

Here's a brief daily rundown of where I went:

Day 1, Friday, October 20:
Left Izmit for Istanbul, found the bus and loaded up. Once the bus started going, I sat there for 9 hours while we made way too many stops.

Day 2, Saturday, October 21:
Alibey Island.
From the island we went on a boat tour and I ate the best fish I've had here.
Then it was back to the hotel room for a nice quite night, a little sleep, and ... where the hell is that music coming from. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Day 3, Sunday, October 22: The busiest days.
The Acropolis of Pergamon, a set of ancient Greek ruins from two cities of Pergamon. One of the most impressive sites I saw. Complete with the ruins of a temple, a theatre and water canals that still stand.

I also met a cat who I named Templeton. She was the sweetest thing and followed my group on the whole tour.
From there we went to Asklepion, an ancient Greek healing center that had what was believed to be a sacred water - which was later discovered to be radioactive. Who knew?
After the ruins, it was a stop at a Turkish Onyx shop with a pretty impressive display of jewelry and decorations all carved from stone.
Then a tour of a Turkish carpet factory, where I saw a small carpet (about the size of a welcome mat) priced around $50,000. It was gorgeous though.
We capped off the day with a view of sunset (I know, it sounds gay and it kind of was) at a mountain called, "The Devil's Foot."

Day 4:
I needed a break so I ditched the tour group and went swimming in the ocean. What a relief.
But not all was lost as I learned how to play backgammon! (Finally, a new way to gamble.)

Day 5:
Assos, an ancient city with hilltop ruins that have a spectacular view. Plus, plenty of Gypsies.
After Assos, the most anticipated moment of the tour. TROY. A Trojan 8,000 miles from his Alma Mater sees where the name came from. Troy was both magical and strangely disappointing.

Day 6:
Galipoli, the BEST cemetery I have EVER seen (and I've seen a lot of them), walking in World War I trenches, but most importantly, I came to terms with something that has been bothering me for a while.

Day 6 ends the trip with a special additional post about the longest night I have ever had.

It was a spectacular trip and I had a blast. More importantly, I met more wonderful Turkish people who were warm and inviting.

until I get around to all these posts, (I'm shooting for one a day) take a look at some of the photos on a web page I set up. The address is: http://picasaweb.google.com/jamesloughrie

Change of plans ...

2006-10-20T15:23:00.000+03:00

While I still want to backpack through the Aegean cities, my school made me an offer that was hard to pass up. They put me up on a tour in a three star hotel (which is a five star on the Loughrie scale) and I can pay it back in monthly installments. (hehe, suckers.)

So I'm not hitting Ephesus like I planned on this tour, but am going to see some wonderful beaches, islands and ancient sites within Turkey.

I'll still see Troy and Galipoli but will also see a mountain that contains the second largest concentrated oxygen production outside the rain forest. I can't wait to light a cigarette there.

All the information I can find on the trip is Turkish, but I found a web site with the tour and looked at pictures yesterday. It looks great. Ancient cities, ruins and, of course, wacky adventures. They even have an additional safari add on which I may or may not take. It depends if I can kill something while I am on Safari. If not, I'll probably find something else to do.

So, I'll be back on the 25th with a raconteur's arsenal full of yarns.

James

I'm hitting the road ...

2006-10-15T18:45:00.000+03:00

starting the 21st for the end of Ramadan.

Since it's a national holiday and there's a differnet Turkish national holiday at the end of the week, my school is going to be closed for 9 days.

So I'm grabbing my backpack and touring the Aegean. I'll be on buses going from different points of interest. Though I haven't totally worked out the itineray, here's a list of the places on my must see list:
-Galipoli, the site of one of the bloodiest battles in World War I along the Dardanelles where the Turks kicked the crap out of the west.
-Troy. The ancient ruins that were an important piece of the Roman Empire.
-Ephesus. One of Turkey's most famoud ruins. The ruins are thousands of years old and house such sites as one of the seven wonders of the world and the Virgin Mary's Tomb. This is the site I'm most excited about seeing. Check out the wikipedia page on Ephesus. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ephesus

The part that I'm most excited about for this trip is how I will take it. No agenda or schedule, just a list of things I want to see. I'll be taking buses from city to city and staying at hostels along the way or possibly staying with Turkish people (more to come if I can get one to let me in their house).

Of course I'm not taking my laptop, so Loughrie Does Turkey will be down from Oct. 21 to Oct. 28. I'll even have some pictures posted when I get back.

Stay tuned this week, as I will try to have at least one wacky adventure before I head off on my trip of wacky adventures.

James

Of course I won ...

2006-10-13T20:00:00.000+03:00

A comment left by my buddy Sefton in South Carolina reads, "look, i've been reading the same post for a week and the worst part is that i don't even know if you won the drinking contest."

Why else would I post about it unless I won.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

International drinking champion ...

2006-10-08T19:59:00.000+03:00

A Turk, a South Korean and me, representing the good old U. S. of A.

So we were sitting at the local English speaking bar Friday night when the challenge came up.

First, let's set this up.

I was there with my roommate Maweja, and mutual Turkish friends Bahran and Aishe. While we were there, we met these two Korean men who live here and work for a Korean company with a factory in Izmit.

They were there with the Turkish manager of the factory and joined us as we sat for a few beers.

One of the Koreans then held his beer up and said, "One shot."

At first I thought he was talking about doing a shot, but then they explained the game to be. You guzzle your beer and the first one done wins.

He had me at guzzle.

Not everyone played so the field narrowed to me the Turkish manager and one of the Koreans.

The beer was Tuborg, the beer of Danish Royalty, in pint mugs.

Down the beer went, as I represented America in probably the most important world event in the history of our country.

You will all thank me one day when my drinking prowess brings world peace.

And I broke ...

2006-10-06T23:31:00.000+03:00

at 11:05 a.m. today. I woke up at 10 a.m.

But as I walked to school and thought about it, I said, "Hell, I'm not a Muslim. Forget about this."

And then I lit my cigarette, and it was heaven.

The challenge ...

2006-10-05T19:46:00.000+03:00

So I was sitting with some of the Muslim school staff at the end of the day, eating the Iftar meal allowed when the sun comes down.

They told me about a former American teacher who fasted the entire month of Ramadan with them to see what they (Muslims) felt like.

I answered, "I know how you feel. Hungry."

RAMADAN: A Look into Ritual Starvation

Fourth part of an occassional series.

We all had a laugh until one of the Muslims pressed on challenging me and my roommate Maweja, to starve for a day with them.

I said, "The food is no problem, I've got reserves built up. But no cigarettes, that would kill me."

But then the James Loughrie cockiness took over, and as I rarely walk away from a challenge or dare.

"Sure, I'll fast tomorrow."

The moment I said it I realized I went too far. But I said I would, and I keep my word.

Tomorrow, when the sun goes up, nothing can touch my mouth. Nothing to drink, nothing to eat. And the hardest part, no smoking.

Tomorrow's going to suck.

I've never seen people eat like that ...

2006-10-02T23:41:00.000+03:00

Today was a neat opportunity. At school during Ramadan, they bring in food at the end of the day and when sun goes down, they invite all the teachers (Muslim or not, fasting or not) to eat dinner.

RAMADAN: A look inside ritual starvation.

Third part in an occasional series.

The meal, called iftar which means breaking fast, is signaled by a cannon going off in the town.

Once the cannon goes off, PEOPLE EAT. I've consumed some food quickly in my day, but I've never seen anything like this.

It was like someone handed out free Hometown Buffet coupons at the end of a Weight Watchers meeting.

The people fasting dug into plates of borek, bread, cheese and olives faster than I've ever seen people eat. Of course I muscled my way in there like I have been fasting all day, (which of course I haven't.)

It was actually quite funny. These were big plates of food that were demolished. And not a minute after the cannon went off.

Then again, I'm not begrudging anyone their eating habits at the end of a day of starving.

***

If anyone sees anything about a bombing on the news, I am nowhere near it.

There was a terrorist attack in Izmir today, resulting in anywhere from seven to 15 injuries after someone threw two grenades into a cafe. (The varying numbers come from the Izmir police and Reuters.)

I know someone glancing at the news could see the I-z in Izmir and think I was there. But I'm in Izmit, a safe city with no tourist destinations.

***

Editor's Note: I still haven't been posting that much, but I will introduce a coming this week teaser to help keep me posting. Have any ideas about what I should dispatch to you? Post a comment or e-mail me: JamesLoughrie@gmail.com.

COMING THIS WEEK:

I found a newer bar.
What ever happened to Alphaville?
"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

Getting food during daylight ...

2006-09-26T19:09:00.000+03:00

is an absolute breeze in Turkey. In fact, it's probably the best time of year for a non-Muslim to have lunch.

RAMADAN: A LOOK INSIDE RITUAL STARVATION

Part two of an occasional series.

The restaurants, cafes and eateries are nearly empty as many people observe Islamic holiest month. Non-Muslims, like myself, are not encouraged to fast and even if we did it would mean nothing because we are not Muslims, according to an interpretation of the Koran I read from the University of Southern California Web site.

Ramadan, which observes the month that the profit Muhammed wrote the Islamic Holy Book, the Koran, or Qu'ran if you must, after speaking to Allah. It begins at the sighting of the crescent moon in the ninth month of the lunar calendar.

During that time, practicing Muslims are not to let anything touch their lips while the sun is up. No food, beverages not even a cigarette.

Out of respect, however, myself and the other non-Muslims I've met here refrain from eating, drinking or smoking on the streets. However I am tempted to walk down the street with a big sandwich proclaiming, "Cok Guzel" (Pronounced, "chok goozelle" which means, "It's so good.")

Some eateries close during the day from the reduced traffic and others cover their windows so not to tease those fasting.

I think some of them would be wise to have Ramadan lunch specials.

Think of it this way. They are open anyway, and the non-fasting market is a limited one. Those restaurants need to compete for non-Ramadan business. They need us, in the words of Nixon's 1972 re-election campaign, "No, more than ever."

It's Ramadan ...

2006-09-25T23:49:00.000+03:00

Which would mean absolutely nothing for me otherwise.

Except for the damn drums.

RAMADAN: A LOOK INSIDE RITUAL STARVATION

Part one of an occassional series.

See, here in Turkey and in most (I imagine all) predominantly Muslim countries, men walk the streets at 3:45 a.m. every morning during Ramadan to wake people so they can eat.

The men, called "Ramazan Davulcusu" in Turkish which means "Ramadan Drummers," are part of a thousands year old tradition waking people to eat before the sun comes up.

The key part of Islam's most Holy month, Ramadan, is that no practicing Muslims can let anything touch their lips when the sun is up. So people eat before sun up and after sundown.

Since Ramadan follows the Islamic calendar, it falls on different dates each year and begins 11 days earlier each year. Look out for Ramadan sales coming in August 2007.

These people can have their holiday. I guess I have no right to complain since I moved to their country, but could they at least use alarm clocks rather than drums. These drums are loud!
And there's not just one of them - there's several of them.

I can hear them coming from the north, from the east and from the west all at once. They're everywhere.

I guess I'm just waking up early for the next 28 days.

Tomorrow: Getting a meal during daylight.

Oh, it's not mine ...

2006-09-22T13:49:00.000+03:00

Every now and then, I think my cell phone is going off. I can either feel the phone buzzing or hear a ring and think its me.

The only problem is that I have not had a cell phone since I arrived in Turkey.

I thought I was free of the electronic leash. At least that's what I thought.

Damn cell phones became such a huge part of my everday life that now its like I have to ween myself off it.

The phantom buzzings and rings decrease with each week, but they still show every now and then.

And I thought I was going to be free.

***

On a side note I've been getting complaints that there's not enough posts. I'd write everyday, but everyday is just not that interesting. Some days I go to school, either teach or observe eat lunch and come home.

However, I will make at least the effort to post more and if that means I need more wacky adventures then you, the good readers, will have your wacky adventures.

Hayir means NO! ...

2006-09-20T08:02:00.000+03:00

I was walking to school Monday morning and a shoe shine boy stopped me to ask if I wanted a shine.

Politely, I told him, "Hayir, teshekur ederim," which means, "No thank you."

How I wish that was the end of it.

On a morning where I woke later than normal, had not yet had caffeine and walked quickly to school (I wanted to get some Turkish Coffee in my system before I observed a class) I did not have time for any distractions.

The people of Turkey are wonderfully hospitable .... except for this punk. He might have been 18, spoke no English and began arguing with me in Turkish about why I should get a shoe shine.

I went from pleasant and polite refusals to abrupt NO!'s in a few seconds. I may not know much Turkish, but I can at least be rude in it.

As he kept arguing with me in Turkish, making had gestures that my shoes were dirty and he could clean them right there, I kept telling him, "Turkce bilmiyorum," which means, "I don't know Turkish."

He even went so far as to put his shine box down in front of me a few times to obstruct my steps. Dumbass kid didn't realize that I can walk around him.

Finally, after continuous walking and repeating, "HAYIR," he went away.

There's plenty of street vendors around here, but this was the most annoying I have encountered.

Fortunately, my fellow teachers got a good laugh at the story (I guess this happens to every foreigner) and gave me some tips to get street vendors away.

James

P.S. I didn't send out a newsletter this week, because, well, nothing all that interesting happened. I'll send out one this week for the beginning of Ramadan and have plenty of stories next week as I hit the road for my first school holiday week.

The most terrifying experience I've ever had ...

2006-09-15T20:24:00.000+03:00

occcurred this week when I took one of the local buses. I've written about driving in Turkey before (with rules such as there are no rules) but I didn't think it could get worse. I was wrong.

I went with a member of the school staff to Kocaeli University, to speak with students about English lessons and do recruiting.

To get to this particular campus took about 45 minutes on the bus. I nearly kissed the ground when I got off.

Turkish buses stop at designated stops, much like everywhere else, but they also stop whenever somebody waves them down. The driver pulls over or stops in the middle of the road and people enter.

There are 20 seats on a bus but an average of 40 people ride in them, making the journey cramped and uncomfortable.

When we got on the bus, there were only about 15 people on board, but that would change as we left town headed to the university. By the time we were out of Izmit a good 40 to 45 people were packed in and the journey was just about to begin.

The drivers are maniacs, honking their horns at slow traffic, cutting people off and nearly getting into crashes every leg of the trip. There were too many "close calls" to count because it seems every bus in Izmit comes within inches of crashes on a daily basis.

On one trip, there was another bus in front of us going slower than our driver cared for. So he began making passing moves on the left side of the bus in front of us and nearly crashing into several parked cars.

To get to the university, we took a mountain road that winds through the Kocaeli mountains. There was not much visual clearance ahead of us, but that didn't stop the driver from a series of passing trucks and other buses driving too slow in front of us.

Again, several close calls.

On one of the trips I did not have a seat, which I preferred, because the bus was packed so full with people. I figured if we got into a crash I would have plenty of people to absorb the impact and survive.

I think I am going to take the train whenever I can.

James

A day at the Turkish gun shop ...

2006-09-10T19:20:00.000+03:00

While I was walking through town Saturday I noticed two gun shops to my right.

I couldn't resist walking into one of them and at least holding the beautiful cold steel of a Turkish gun.

The two guys behind the counter were great. I explained that I was only looking, but that's just for now.

However, I could not believe how inexpensive Turkish guns are.

For example: a .38 caliber revolver with a 4 inch barrel. In the states, you're looking at upwards of $250. In the Turkish gun shop, 50 Lira, which is about 35 U.S. Dollars.

A 9 millimeter semiautomatic handgun. In the states, upwards of $350. In the Turkish gun shop, 75 Lira, which is about 50 U.S.

A .22 caliber handgun, that switches from semi-automatic to full on automatic. In the states (specifically California) not even legal. At the Turkish gun shop, 70 Lira, approximately 42 dollars.

Thought I was tempted, I did not walk out with a gun Saturday. I sat and talked with the two gentlemen who run the gun shop, about Turkey, America, teaching English and, of course, guns.

They were quite hospitable for someone just looking and in the course of my visit, served me tea and offered me a cigarette.

It just went to show that no matter what country you're in, language you speak or profession you work in, you always have a couple of friends at the gun shop. For a stop in the gun shop is not a visit, but a journey.

I was a bit melancholy at the end of the journey though. Before then I never realized how much I missed my gun in the states. She's sitting there waiting for me until I get back, but I miss taking her to the range and shooting at paper targets or even keeping her under the seat of my car.

It's an incredible feeling holding a gun. It's what God must feel like when he's holding a gun.

James

P.S. A special shout out to P. Fizzle, who has a birfday today. She had it before it became the day before September 11, so a special happy birthday to Patti. (Funes not Steele.)

I SAW A TURKISH MIDGET ...

2006-09-08T21:24:00.000+03:00

and where was my camera, in my apartment. I was on my way to school so I didn't have it with me. Damnit!

I've been staking out the corner where I saw him and no luck. Fear not good readers, I will find that Turkish Midget once again.

I started school this week and that has been interesting to say the least. The highlight of the week was last night, one of the teachers called in sick and I subbed. The class topic was past tense verbs, but I added in my own material, such as, "Does anyone know that Turkish Midget."

The students here are very respectful, and pretty eager to learn. Sometimes they need to be motivated, and none of them seem to like the lecture format. They want to be involved and practice English. Well, at least the good students.

Anyway, I'm doing well here and will post more than I have this week. (Then again, I didn't have many wacky adventures, other than observing classes, teaching a class and playing Medal of Honor Allied Assault back here at the flat.)

All the best,

James

Crickey! It's a Sting Ray ...

2006-09-04T23:47:00.000+03:00

I never knew Steve Irwin, he was on the air when I owned a television but I never cared for his show. However, his death made me laugh all day.
I know I am going to hell, but how long can you play with snakes and crocodiles and not get bitten or killed? He was playing Russian roulette every day and finally came upon a sting ray that had enough of his bullshit.

My favorite quote about his death was from the Associated Press Article about his death.

Stings usually occur to people when they step on or swim too close to a ray and can be excruciatingly painful but are rarely fatal, said University of Queensland marine neuroscientist Shaun Collin.

Collin said he suspected Irwin died because the barb pierced under his ribcage and directly into his heart.

"It was extraordinarily bad luck. It's not easy to get spined by a stingray and to be killed by one is very rare," Collin said.

Again, hilarious.

James

The most annoying Turkish tradition ...

2006-09-04T06:59:00.000+03:00

When a couple gets married or a boy get circumcised (I'm not joking, http://www.kultur.gov.tr/EN/BelgeGoster.aspx?17A16AE30572D313AC8287D72AD903BEA7DE728C67538960) everyone who attended the ceremony gets in theirs cars and drives in a procession around town honking their fucking horns.

It's not just one or two or even three honks, they keep repeating it and constantly honk as they drive through the entire town.

Since Sunday is the semi-official day off here, it's when they hold weddings and circumcisions, at least according to what I hear.

To a certain extent I can see why they do it for a wedding - but a circumcision?

"Hey everyone, honk your horns, my son is missing his foreskin." However it's more than just foreskin, its a right of passage. Kids are usually 6 or 7 when they get snipped.

Well, enough talk about missing foreskin.

I start school today, at least training and then teaching next week.

I met a Turkish Communist, had tea with a business owner and had the best cup of coffee I can ever remember.

2006-08-31T13:14:00.001+03:00

In the last two days a lots been going on. Here's a recap with what I promise is the longest premeditated blog I will ever write.

I'll never fly Turkish Airlines again ...

Because it had more babies on one single plane than I have ever encoutered flying. Seriously there were four within five aisles of me and that sucked. When one started crying they all started crying, then the little bastards spread it out over time so that each took turns crying. It sucked.

I felt like Hawkeye on the last episode of Mash telling the women to shut that chicken up, only my results were not as happy (yes, I went there.)

Other than that the flight was nice.

These people, you people or those people, I can't tell which one to use ...

Turkish people do not have a definative look to them. Some are white, some are dark, some are tall, some are short, some are fat, some are thin. I wish there was a better way to peg them and stereotype them. I'll figure out a way, just give me time.

I'm not "That American Guy" in most of the city ...

I figured I would be the only white American here and I think I am, (my room mate is half black so I still get the only White American title) but the city is so large that I walk around anonymous because as a few people have already told me, I look Turkish.

However, I've been buying most of my food at one market where they know me as the American guy. The woman behind the counter recognzed me the other day which I guess isn't hard because I'm the only person in Izmit that doesn't speak Turkish.

I still can't figure out what time it is ...

My first night I went with my standard plan for getting on a new countries schedule - have a few drinks, pass out and wake up with the locals.
Except that didn't work.

So I was up until 5 and woke up the same morning at 8. Then I thought I would take a nap at 12, which turned into a 7 hour nap.
Last night (wednesday) I went to sleep at 11, but woke at 5, and went back to sleep at 7. I woke again at 8 and figured I would go walk around some more and see the city.

But the city isn't really open until noon. There's a lot of businesses open, but mainly borek shops which sell pastries and news stands. Many businesses open around 10, but most of the restaurants and bars don't open until noon.

I met a Turkish Communist ...

The owner of this wine bar is an actual communist. I'd never met a commie before. It was really interesting.

He said people were happier in the Soviet Union, China is losing its way but will come back and Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is the best leader in the world. He's nuts, but a fun guy to talk to.

He also said I look like a Turk and said I have Turkish family members (which isn't true, but entertaining either way,) and since it was my first time in his bar gave me what he called "the throne" to sit on. (It was the nicest chair in the restaurant.)

Thursday ...

Upon waking up at 8, I walked around and found few places open. As I walked the streets a man asked me if I was lost (At least that's what I think he said because it was in Turkish.)

He owns this little breakfast placed and produce stand next door. The man invited me to sit down and I ate there.

No mind you the entire time he's trying to cobble together what little English he knows and I'm trying to cobble together what little Turkish I know. But we end up having a conversation (at least I think we did).

At the end of the meal and conversation, though, he had his employee bring us tea (cai in Turkish) that was delicious. Tea and coffee are a big thing here and served at the end of almost any meal. It was a nice feeling though because though I know no Turkish still, he helped teach me some during our conversation, and I taught him some English.

This truly is the best coffee in the world ...

After breakfast and walking around, I stopped at a coffee house. These are not coffee houses like starbucks, but a Turkish custom. Only men are allowed and there is nothing but tea or coffee served.

This was black gold. The richest coffee I could ever remember having. It was like liquid velvet.

Well, It's kebab time.

James

And I thought the french smoked everywhere ...

2006-08-29T18:42:00.000+03:00

The Turks are Awesome!
I got into to Izmit today and getting here was quite an adventure.

The driver who picked me up was nice and offered me a cigarette when I got in the car. So far so good I thought.

But then we hit the road. Turks drive like New Yorkers on crack.

Traffic lines mean nothing, using the right shoulder to pass another car is not looked down on, in fact it's encouraged.

My driver consistently manuevered into lanes where two yards of space were available.

I didn't see much of Istanbul becuase I had to get into the school, check in, meet the teachers and my room mate, Maweja Henderson, orginally from Chicago.

We went to lunch and I found out that pretty much all of my coworkers are also smokers, so we already have that bond.

We stopped in at a restaurant here where I had the most delicious kebeb dish (called Iskender, which means Alexander.) I liked kebab already but when they chef came out and poured melted butter on it I was in heaven.

I got into my apartment which is a pretty nice size. a living room, dining are where Maweja and I keep our computers, a kitchen, bathroom and two bedrooms.

After settling down here I went out to the city to find a place that sold international calling cards and diet coke.

Make no mistake about it my Turkish is piss poor. But armed with my pocket sized book, "Just Enough Turkish," I got a few words and phrases across.

The only problem with getting them across was that the clerks, shopkeepers and police officer I asked for directions is they responded in Turkish.

One policeman who I asked for directions was so taken back by the fact that I tried Turkish that he shook my hand and almost gave me a hug.

I've walked around a little bit of the city and have just about every amenity available here. DVD's cracked me up because they download and burn them right at the shop.

So far so good. I'm heading to a wine bar later with a few of the teachers. My roommate said its where most of the English Speakers in town congregate.

James

I'm the freakin U.N.

2006-08-28T22:43:00.000+03:00

I found my calling in life. Translating for bartenders in airport bars.

These two middle aged Italian women just stepped up to the bar. When the tender asked what they wanted they said, "No Englese."

I stepped in. I asked them if they wanted beer or wine (bira or vino) and they said "Bira."

I told the tender what they wanted and even ordered them an Italian beer.

It feels gold to know you made a difference. I even told them "Salute."

By the way, the gay flight attendant sitting down the bar from me, keeps talking to really good looking women and they seem into him. I think I might tell him to stop being gay.

James

P.s. Avril Lavinge's really lost her way. I mean she started out good and then just became some pop star.

It's true - it never sleeps.

2006-08-28T22:11:00.000+03:00

My Night in the city.

I'm sitting here in the airport bar at JFK listening to a gay flight attendent talk to a stupid Hungarian woman. (The Brooklyn Brewery, great beer.)

I'm already lamenting the sorry state of our crappy country by the fact that I can't light A GODDAMNED CIGARETTE in the airport. MEAGH!

Only 14 hours until I can smoke.

James

New York, New York

2006-08-28T00:27:00.000+03:00

Wow. What a city. Saturday night I walked the Village, had a fantastic steak and heard some great jazz. One day in and I'm hooked. I want to live in New York.

Everywhere I went I looked for the dirty, loud, pushy New Yorkers I've always talked about and couldn't find them. (I'm still looking though.)

As I hung out in the village, I kept looking at each person, studying their features and realiazed - they look like normal people. Honestly, New Yorkers look just like people you would find in any city around the world. Quite bizarre really.

All Bests,

James

Start spreading the news ...

2006-08-21T08:38:00.000+03:00

Before I make my way to Istanbul (not Constantinople)and eventually Izmit in the Kocaeli region of Turkey, I'll spend two days in New York, New York.

So before you start reading about the wacky adventures of James in Turkey on Tuesday, you'll get a nice recap of James' wacky adventures in New York. I land Saturday at JFK and take off Monday afternoon for Turkey.

Rex

2006-08-11T00:35:00.000+03:00

This has absolutely nothing to do with Turkey, but isn't my nephew Rex adorable.

Things I'm tired of hearing ...

2006-07-16T23:08:00.000+03:00

It's almost a month until I leave and I am already sick of hearing certain things from people about my trek to Turkey.

1) It's so dangerous over there.
Actually when it comes to violent and property crimes, Turkey is safer than the Antelope Valley, where I currently live and cover crime.
But then people mistake Turkey for Gaza, Lebanon, India and Iraq. Turkey is it's own country and not embroiled in the ongoing conflicts of the named countries and region. Yeah, they have the terrorism and the threat of terrorism, but who doesn't these days?

2) Why Turkey?
Actually, I never thought this was a bad question. After all, how many people say, "I'm moving to Turkey."
I've just heard it so much I sound like a broken record telling people the story of how I decided to move to Turkey. (For those who don't know: I was looking for a job where I could teach abroad and wanted to be in Europe. But I also wanted a country not on the Euro with a decent cost of living, plus I was waiting to see where the opportunities opened up. Turkey appealed to me because its a secular country with a majority Islamic population. It is a crossroads between Europe and the Middle East, though does not seem to carry the respect it should with Middle Eastern countries. It's also a place where I can live in another culture, so far different from my own and really adventure.)

However, I have come up with some one-liners when people ask why Turkey, such as:
"Because it's Thanksgiving every day."
"Because 20 years from now I may be at a cocktail party where I can say, 'I lived in Turkey for a year.'"

3) Have you got your shots?
Turkey may not be Switzerland, but it's not Calcutta either, well at least not most parts. It's not just some third-world country. It has roads, hospitals and even clean water (according to several national and international health organizations.)
I run a similar chance getting sick here with anything I can get there.

But the most annoying by far is:

4) Have you seen Midnight Express?

OK. HA. I GET IT. People have told me I should see the movie, because that's how it is over there. LOOK, Billy Hayes WAS TRYING TO SMUGGLE HASH. I WILL NOT SMUGGLE DRUGS. I DON'T EVEN SMOKE POT WHY WOULD I SMUGGLE IT?

That's all for now.

I'm moving to Turkey

2006-06-05T02:40:00.000+03:00

Mainly because whenever you tell someone you're moving they don't think it's going to be to Turkey.

I'll teach English 50 miles east of Istanbul in an industrial city called Izmit.

So why am I doing this?

I've wanted to teach abroad for sometime now. It's a great way to get paid travelling and it will probably be fun.

I picked Turkey because:
1) It's in Europe
2) the cost of living there is cheap. (a pack of smokes for .50 cents, a beer for a dollar and kebab for $2.)
3) It's a gateway between the Middle East and Europe. Turkey's secular roots, mixed with a 99 percent Muslim population make it, in my mind, the perfect test to see if the West can coexist with the Middle East.
4) Freelancing opportunities. Being there gives me an edge to sell articles. Plus, these wouldn't just be the run of the mill house fire and car crash I've been so used to.

So I'm of in August. Check back regularly for updates on my life in Turkey, filled with plenty of crazy misadventures and maybe even a surly sidekick with a heart of gold.

I'll be there for one year, and of course I'll make a few side trips through Europe and the Middle East while I'm there.